Beauty, Nervousness, and Airline Luggage

I leave home in 7 and 45 minutes. I haven't slept yet. I am washing clothes, spending time with my animals and debating the details--like should I wear Eternity or Obsession when I meet them. Lovely little play on meaning there, but I meant the scents by Calvin Klein.

My mind is playing scenarios of what could come. Will there be acceptance, awkward pauses, rejection, hugs, joy or love? How welcome will she make me feel? Will the girls that have called me "cool" and "awesome" still enjoy chats in person? Will I confuse the girls? Will they still be excited to meet me tomorrow? Will A.M. (presiding femme) change her mind, treat me as family, encourage her husband and I to love or make an overture of love to me herself? Will he be pleased? Will I? Will this recharge sometime amazing or end something that wasn't meant to be? If I change my clothes 7 more times, will he notice or care? Will I seem to pushy, overdressed, or open?

I wonder if they are sleeping. I wonder if my flight will be delayed by the snow in Charlotte. I wonder if they are enough for me and I them. Am I making the right choice? Should I start reexamining why I am choosing a plural marriage to begin with? Will they be warmer than snow to me?

I bought them Christmas presents. Will they be well received? Will the cologne I brought for him make him laugh, smile, or sneeze? Will he understand the reasoning behind giving Eternity for men? Or will he have already decided that I am not for him?

The airline revised my baggage weight limit to 50 pounds. I need to make them count.

Seven hours and thirty-seven minutes.....

-six...

-five...

Just breathe.......

Dreams and desires vs. the divine

I feel I am at a crossroads of late. There are so many poly minded families and there seems to be so few women desiring a plural marriage.

Lately, I have been considering the many paths available to me. I have felt a spirit of waiting for about a year now. I have felt myself changing, maturing, growing, opening up to new ideas, and turning away from the childish things that once satisfied my needs. This changing may have something do do with the loss of my Dad to a stroke and my subsequent confrontation with mortality. It may be the complete role reversal in my relationship to my Mother. Perhaps the knowledge that my extended family is unlikely to accept my choices gay, straight, mono, poly, red, green, or purple. The approaching 3-0 of next year may play a part. I have seen lately how the choices I made in my youth and my early adulthood have paid off. I can see the value of sacrificing tonight's potential pleasure for tomorrow's certain ground. I have not always made the quickest decisions, the wisest, the safest, or even the most sane. At times, I thought rationally with a calm head. At times, the passions and fire of my youth battled my better angels. Yet, I still hold my head high. I escaped so many pitfalls that trapped my peers and killed their futures. I can walk unashamed, with my head up and my gaze level.

I was fast, but not to fast. Difficult, but not impossible. I ran with scissors as gracefully as would allow. I felt.....I really felt. I have fallen so completely in love that It felt like my life was over when things ended. I have been the one to walk away knowing that the breakup would hurt me in the now, but help me in the future. I have been left by a man I would have followed anywhere he asked, beckoned, pointed or ordered. I have soared with the eagles. I have tripped on the turkeys. I have been crushed, lifted up, shattered, embraced, forgotten, renewed, glorified, wounded and truly, deeply loved. I am at a crossroads, where the fiery passions of youth are meeting the temperance of wisdom. I will embrace both as long as I can.

I loudly refuse to grow up. I want to eat dessert first! I will laugh, and drink and be merry (for tomorrow we all may die!) Yet, I will still squirrel away my pennies in a 401(k). I will charge forward mightily, but take a heartbeat to glance both ways.

I am about to do something Large. Perhaps, it will be the turning point in my life. Perhaps, all the paths I will take in my lifetime from here on out will stem from this choice. Perhaps, this journey will close many doors for me and open up as an entirely new set of decisions. Perhaps this will end in an unrealized dream. Or perhaps, as one of those deep desires I begged and prayed intently for hours, days, and weeks, only to spend time on my knees thanking God Herself for not granting. The fullness of time changes everything. God's timing is not our own. When we see a day marked by occasion, custom, or celebration, God laughs and changes our lives in a seemingly mundane moment in the grocery store. Mortals do not schedule their own divine appointments. Could you imagine that? LOL. I'd rather let God handle my datebook. Her purpose for me is more than I can wrap a mortal brain around. More than a mortal will or could demand. I will leave my destiny to the Almighty. YHWH weaves the biggest tapestry.

If God sends the angels to protect, guide, and nudge us to the path of Light, there must be a counter force urging us to indulge our darker side. Some among us live their whole lives just drifting along. I nod to Socrates in that I agree "The unexamined life is not worth living". Lately my demons have come to close. I wanted to see them again. I wanted to look a few minutes down all the paths I did not choose. I wanted to remember all the pitfalls that my peers indulged in and became lost. The heartaches I avoided. The sins I broke from and emerged stronger, more balanced, or with a certain kind of seasoning. There were so many paths open to me in this life.

A woman's choice is a powerful thing. Women kill more with their whispers than men ever have with their weapons. Even where a woman is trained in obedience, her passions ignite the world. Yet, in my present equation, I am not the woman with most of the cards. Many perhaps, but not the most. Enter mercy, grace, and understanding.

I have been dreaming a little of the nights I spent club hopping and dancing until dawn, or dusk, or dawn again. I remembered the nights I tarried too long, slept to little and enjoyed every minute of a jingle jangle morning. I remember the men who asked me forever, the dreams I dashed, and the hearts I broke. I suppose I looked back with rosy glasses glasses. I had the occasion to go out last night and relive the adventures of pulsating, sleepy youth. I enjoyed the pulse, heartbeat, and life blood of the club. The thumpa-thumpa hasn't changed. I enjoyed the attention from well-meaning and ill-intending men. I feel confident that I still have "it". A man paid for and sent me a VIP bracelet via waitress. He claimed to be a prince...lol. Some bought me shots. Several made passes. I felt alive and wanted, but I am more confident than ever that I am ready for the next step. I want a forever family. I want a freeing love that binds me. I had fun with the Mr. Right Nows of this world and am ready to choose my Mr. Right.... LOL.... I am ready to choose my Mrs. Right as well.

In 9 days I leave the safety and comfort of my nest to travel to another family. I have a feeling of peace about this journey, so much more so than before. In truth, had another man bought me a plane ticket a week earlier I would have been traveling to meet him instead. I would have felt obligated. I know now that one I met first was not at all right for me. I know I made a choice. I feel confident I did what was right for me. I am filled with anticipation. What lies ahead?

Will there be a man who knows how to keep me warm and safe and dry? Will he respect that I know how to do that for myself as well? Will he be charming or daring? Will there be a courtly, old-fashioned kind of romance? Will he challenge my shyness and dare me to love him? Will there be passion? Will I be bored in 5 minutes? There are those that wish me well. There are those who would enjoy seeing me passed over. I have have analyzed the many, many options after the the next step. I am forever thinking several plays ahead. I do not know what will ultimately happen. I do know the next step. I will summon all the courage I can find. I will present myself as completely as possible. I will let my guard down a little. I am walking with confidence, hope, and a sense of destiny toward a single moment. One moment can change everything, though I doubt it will be the moment I plan. I will walk towards this moment with all the strength and confidence I can find. Only God and time will reveal if I am walking in the right direction.

Will this one be right? Or will he help to clarify what is?

I pray for safety, wisdom, and sure footing.

Busy days and New Friends

I haven't had much time to write in the last few weeks. My new job of raising 7 special needs children is both challenging and rewarding. At the end of the day, I feel completely spent and completely satisfied. I am also taking much needed time for self-care. I have started to see doing what's best for me as a priority, not a luxury. Something as simple as spending an hour at the gym or making time for a quick nap is really helping my focus.

Two of my young charges called me Mommy last week. I can't describe the feeling really. It felt so natural and new at the same time. I loved it. They didn't plan it and I know they just made a mistake. Yet, that's a word reserved for a female caregiver who loves them and provides for their needs. Between a scuba outing, an unexpected nosebleed, two flues, 7 summer reading projects, and tutoring for advanced algebra (oh dear--that was a miracle I remembered it), last week was insane.

I did make time for some people becoming very important to me. Let's call them G and B. G and I can spend 6 hours and 45 minutes on the phone and still have more to say. He is spontaneous, generous with compliments, street savvy, gentle, flirty, a committed father, an adoring husband, and seems to know exactly what he is looking for to add to his family's joy. B has a good head on her shoulders, approached her hubby first about seeking another wife, has so many similar views as me on child birth and rearing, is a devoted mother, makes me laugh, practical, well-rounded, and able to dream. She is finder of all things Tinkerbell and considers laundry therapeutic (there are 2 of us?). He shares my love of camping and baking. She is wise enough to read between the lines and very open (enthusiastic?) to share her home and children with another loving lady. She's a Carolina girl at heart and understands the value of a cold Cheerwine, really good BBQ and real southern potato salad. I have spoken to all of their children and am forming a bond most closely with their youngest, T. We've been talking about 3-4 weeks now and they've invited me for a very lengthy visit. No pressure. No strings. No expectations. No seriously oppressive rules. They have offered a variety of social, privacy, and sleeping arrangements based on how I would feel most comfortable. They offered a plane ticket with an open return date and to make the drive themselves to the airport. They even asked my favorite candle scents and allergies to make me feel more at home. I feel welcomed, even months before making the actual journey.

G made his intentions and feelings toward me very clear. He seems the type who is decisive and says what he means. I am slower to make the kind of choices that will shape how my life will turn out. He says he is a very patient man and will wait for my heart to catch up. There are so many more things that I wish to say.

There are 2 people who I know secretly read my blog. I am officially letting you know that I will make this a private blog with adult themes in the near future. I need a space to say what I mean, with out the fear of being pounced on by those who may disagree with some of the choices I am about to make.

I am really in a good place right now. Life is beautiful and full of blessings.

They seem to be willing to take the time to let things happen naturally and comfortably, yet not to move so slowly that we all grow mold. I am considering a Christmas/New Year's visit. They are willing to move to NC, if things work out. I am willing to consider moving to them. He offered to teach me the dances of his culture in his living room by candlelight.

Third time is the charm?

Cookie Cutter Cliche's

This has been a week! Someone who used to be close to me was kind enough to give me a list of how I should change so I would be able to find my own man, instead of having to "put up with" "sharing a husband" and helping to raise some other woman's children. I am growing closer to another couple. As I have been going through boxes and finding homes for my treasures, old memories keep creeping closer. I was asked why I wanted to be poly and told I should just forget about it.

Just when I was feeling like my world was just going topsy turvey, I found a friend. I had to move to a new place to take care of a family member a few months ago. I gave up a really nice job, the only church that ever really felt like home, and day to day interaction with many of my real life friends. I was feeling a bit alone this week.

Turns out, she and her husband are very open to new loves and "playing" with new friends. They are also long-time nudists---I would never have guessed! Really! They are the most loving people I have met in this crazy town. It felt soooo incredibly good to meet some non-judging, non-Puritans. I know it sounds crazy, but it felt so freeing to be around any one, any one at all who was tangible, accepting, and had a different idea. They are soo happy! Their relationship is mature and healthy. I was starting to feel like I lived in Stepford.

Perhaps, I should write a posts on all the benefits that poly provides. All the reasons why this is my first CHOICE for a family, not a hail Mary or quick fix. Anyone up for a poly positive post? I will say that poly has very little to do with sharing a husband. Any guy who still holds on to the fantasy that he alone is so good that he must be shared and in control of two adoring, robot women without free will, should have his head examined. Poly is about gaining 2 or more people in your life who will love and care for you 100% and who you will love and care for 100%. You put them before yourself. They put you first. Three people tend and nurture the marriage. Three people are there forever, in sickness and health, for better or worse....etc, etc, etc forever. All children should be equally valued, loved, and have the benefit of all parents.

The very idea that I can change myself to meet someone else's standards for love or mold myself into an ordinary person (thus giving up the vibrant woman I am) in order to achieve someone else's cookie cutter cliche' of a dream for my life is so incredibly offensive!

One of my favorite quotes:
Well-behaved women rarely make history.

I am spending this weekend dancing and cleaning out the goofballs in my life. I am a whole person who is worthy of love. I will find a lifetime love, on my own terms. Maybe that love is closer to me than I think.

In the fullness of time....

I wanted this post to be about the goofy things that happened when I visited M and K. I had wanted to share funny stories about not bringing enough socks and him walking into the room for a game table and seeing my lovelies all about the inside of my open suitcase. I wanted to talk about the passion he has for his family, how I enjoyed chatting with her, or the political conversation that raised every one's blood pressure. I thought about mentioning the fight they almost had in front of me or the time we got a bottle of wine and went to the duck pond for hours. Maybe something funny about how much exercise they do and me getting really toned.

I considered writing a post about what I learned from my first attempt at dating a married couple--like how it felt to ride in the backseat of the car all the time, or trying to walk around a neighborhood 3 deep instead of two. Maybe even allude to a most tender moment.

However, that is not going to happen.

I received a very short, very angry email from K a day after I arrived home. It was sent 2 and half hours after I left. It was filled with anger, dismissive in nature, and hurtful. She said that neither of them wanted anything to do with me anymore. She said they believe a marriage is between one man and one woman. She demanded I never contact them again. In the 24 hours between when I got home and checked that email account, he had already invited me up for another visit, told me what a great time he had and called me several times. He briefly mentioned she felt jealous when he told a joke and I touched his arm, he then caught my eye and held it for just a moment....

Apparently, she hit the roof. As much as she said poly was for her and had such great benefits, she is too jealous. That isn't a crime. It is just as ok to be poly as not. Yet, it hurt. I really, really cared for them. Love was not blossoming, but may have formed tiny buds.

I will miss the gardening advice, the long, long, long walks, the chance to practice my Spanish, the dreams of filling their beautiful home with the laughter of children, the way he and I debated philosophy until the wee hours off the morning and even that she rented my favorite movie to watch on his ridiculously big tv. I write this from a place of having processed all I felt and moving on.

He made a post in a forum about me that caused several couples to seek me out and begin chatting to me. I received several invites to visit people and made some new friends. Some I have chatted with longer than others.

Perhaps the value of these last few months has not been to show me the joy of a lifetime, although, for a heartbeat of time, I thought it so. Perhaps, it broke a little ice of poly dating fears in me and lessened the mysterious. Perhaps, I learned a lesson of when to let things go or how to say goodbye. Perhaps, I made a new friend or provided comfort to an old one. Maybe I helped a loving couple find each other again and renew an old hope.

I believe everything in our lives is part of the Creator's Master plan. This plan is like a beautiful, intricate tapestry. The woven tears and joys that are gigantic when you stand too close, just add to the richness you see in the big picture. Maybe my sadness added a little color.

One can dream...

Time to Process

I am home from a visit with M and K. There is so much to think about and process. I wanted to post something that shows how I felt about all the things that happened, but I'm not quite ready yet.

I need to process.

I feel challenged, hopeful, happy, grateful, glad, peaceful, pensive, and very, very sore.

El tiempo va a decir.

Galatians

I've been thinking a little about Galatians and polygamy today. Paul's letter to the Galatians was written some time between AD54 and AD 57-between the 2nd and 3rd missionary journeys. This letter to the Galatian churches is a personal one. At times, it seems almost loving; others full of anger. This letter was written to address a major controversy in the early Christian church.

False teachers were commanding early Christians to follow the Law of Moses, in order to be counted as the Children of God. Paul is angry that they are still preaching the Old covenant, even though Christ had already paid that debt in Holy blood. Early Christians were no longer required to provide daily sacrifices to atone for their failing to follow a Law that no one among us is perfect enough to keep. Paul speaks of moving away from the rigidness of the "Thou shalt nots" and the endless reinterpretations and human laws built to bubble and enforce these 10 commandments.

Paul's letter teaches us about the new covenant. We are moved out of a time of salvation by following the letter of a Law and into a period of freedom where we are guided by a Holy Spirit to act with hearts of faith, goodness, kindness, and peace. This Spirit is gentle, nurturing, and roams among us almost as a guiding Mother, instead of the distant Father of Old. This is the theological equivalent of a 180. Our debt was paid and we only had to have enough faith to believe it, accept the free gift, and ask God directly to forgive our human failings. Under the New Covenant, a heart of worship, a strong faith, and the righteous actions that flow naturally from those were more important than the works of a human hand.

These new ideas were pretty hard for some to shallow. The safe, familiar darkness that they had been taught all their lives was much more comforting than stepping outside the chains, into something new and full of wonder.

This is not altogether unlike a person choosing to welcome a marriage of three, instead of the dyad couplings we have all been taught. You have to step outside the familiar pronouns, attitudes, and jealousy to adopt a viewpoint that others may resist. One must have love, openness, honesty, transparency, selflessness, and take a risk of rejection with two people-instead of one. This choice requires a little teaching of your friends and family about a new idea and a larger family structure with even more love to spread around. There are new challenges, new obstacles, new ideas, new language, and new opportunities. You will be judged for your beliefs. All that once celebrated your old routines, will not accept your new path. You will lose someone close to you. If you make the good choices, you will gain something fought for and full of wonder.


Galatians 5:22-23: For these are the Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.


I want to build a family that celebrates these Fruits. I want my children to be like the seeds that fall on good soil, well cared for and loved. I want a family that can celebrate with me a new covenant of three, instead of a dyad of two. I don't want to be wedged between another couple, but accepted as the third point on a triangle, equal, trusted to support my partners, and connected to something larger than myself.