I leave home in 7 and 45 minutes. I haven't slept yet. I am washing clothes, spending time with my animals and debating the details--like should I wear Eternity or Obsession when I meet them. Lovely little play on meaning there, but I meant the scents by Calvin Klein.
My mind is playing scenarios of what could come. Will there be acceptance, awkward pauses, rejection, hugs, joy or love? How welcome will she make me feel? Will the girls that have called me "cool" and "awesome" still enjoy chats in person? Will I confuse the girls? Will they still be excited to meet me tomorrow? Will A.M. (presiding femme) change her mind, treat me as family, encourage her husband and I to love or make an overture of love to me herself? Will he be pleased? Will I? Will this recharge sometime amazing or end something that wasn't meant to be? If I change my clothes 7 more times, will he notice or care? Will I seem to pushy, overdressed, or open?
I wonder if they are sleeping. I wonder if my flight will be delayed by the snow in Charlotte. I wonder if they are enough for me and I them. Am I making the right choice? Should I start reexamining why I am choosing a plural marriage to begin with? Will they be warmer than snow to me?
I bought them Christmas presents. Will they be well received? Will the cologne I brought for him make him laugh, smile, or sneeze? Will he understand the reasoning behind giving Eternity for men? Or will he have already decided that I am not for him?
The airline revised my baggage weight limit to 50 pounds. I need to make them count.
Seven hours and thirty-seven minutes.....
-six...
-five...
Just breathe.......
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Dreams and desires vs. the divine
I feel I am at a crossroads of late. There are so many poly minded families and there seems to be so few women desiring a plural marriage.
Lately, I have been considering the many paths available to me. I have felt a spirit of waiting for about a year now. I have felt myself changing, maturing, growing, opening up to new ideas, and turning away from the childish things that once satisfied my needs. This changing may have something do do with the loss of my Dad to a stroke and my subsequent confrontation with mortality. It may be the complete role reversal in my relationship to my Mother. Perhaps the knowledge that my extended family is unlikely to accept my choices gay, straight, mono, poly, red, green, or purple. The approaching 3-0 of next year may play a part. I have seen lately how the choices I made in my youth and my early adulthood have paid off. I can see the value of sacrificing tonight's potential pleasure for tomorrow's certain ground. I have not always made the quickest decisions, the wisest, the safest, or even the most sane. At times, I thought rationally with a calm head. At times, the passions and fire of my youth battled my better angels. Yet, I still hold my head high. I escaped so many pitfalls that trapped my peers and killed their futures. I can walk unashamed, with my head up and my gaze level.
I was fast, but not to fast. Difficult, but not impossible. I ran with scissors as gracefully as would allow. I felt.....I really felt. I have fallen so completely in love that It felt like my life was over when things ended. I have been the one to walk away knowing that the breakup would hurt me in the now, but help me in the future. I have been left by a man I would have followed anywhere he asked, beckoned, pointed or ordered. I have soared with the eagles. I have tripped on the turkeys. I have been crushed, lifted up, shattered, embraced, forgotten, renewed, glorified, wounded and truly, deeply loved. I am at a crossroads, where the fiery passions of youth are meeting the temperance of wisdom. I will embrace both as long as I can.
I loudly refuse to grow up. I want to eat dessert first! I will laugh, and drink and be merry (for tomorrow we all may die!) Yet, I will still squirrel away my pennies in a 401(k). I will charge forward mightily, but take a heartbeat to glance both ways.
I am about to do something Large. Perhaps, it will be the turning point in my life. Perhaps, all the paths I will take in my lifetime from here on out will stem from this choice. Perhaps, this journey will close many doors for me and open up as an entirely new set of decisions. Perhaps this will end in an unrealized dream. Or perhaps, as one of those deep desires I begged and prayed intently for hours, days, and weeks, only to spend time on my knees thanking God Herself for not granting. The fullness of time changes everything. God's timing is not our own. When we see a day marked by occasion, custom, or celebration, God laughs and changes our lives in a seemingly mundane moment in the grocery store. Mortals do not schedule their own divine appointments. Could you imagine that? LOL. I'd rather let God handle my datebook. Her purpose for me is more than I can wrap a mortal brain around. More than a mortal will or could demand. I will leave my destiny to the Almighty. YHWH weaves the biggest tapestry.
If God sends the angels to protect, guide, and nudge us to the path of Light, there must be a counter force urging us to indulge our darker side. Some among us live their whole lives just drifting along. I nod to Socrates in that I agree "The unexamined life is not worth living". Lately my demons have come to close. I wanted to see them again. I wanted to look a few minutes down all the paths I did not choose. I wanted to remember all the pitfalls that my peers indulged in and became lost. The heartaches I avoided. The sins I broke from and emerged stronger, more balanced, or with a certain kind of seasoning. There were so many paths open to me in this life.
A woman's choice is a powerful thing. Women kill more with their whispers than men ever have with their weapons. Even where a woman is trained in obedience, her passions ignite the world. Yet, in my present equation, I am not the woman with most of the cards. Many perhaps, but not the most. Enter mercy, grace, and understanding.
I have been dreaming a little of the nights I spent club hopping and dancing until dawn, or dusk, or dawn again. I remembered the nights I tarried too long, slept to little and enjoyed every minute of a jingle jangle morning. I remember the men who asked me forever, the dreams I dashed, and the hearts I broke. I suppose I looked back with rosy glasses glasses. I had the occasion to go out last night and relive the adventures of pulsating, sleepy youth. I enjoyed the pulse, heartbeat, and life blood of the club. The thumpa-thumpa hasn't changed. I enjoyed the attention from well-meaning and ill-intending men. I feel confident that I still have "it". A man paid for and sent me a VIP bracelet via waitress. He claimed to be a prince...lol. Some bought me shots. Several made passes. I felt alive and wanted, but I am more confident than ever that I am ready for the next step. I want a forever family. I want a freeing love that binds me. I had fun with the Mr. Right Nows of this world and am ready to choose my Mr. Right.... LOL.... I am ready to choose my Mrs. Right as well.
In 9 days I leave the safety and comfort of my nest to travel to another family. I have a feeling of peace about this journey, so much more so than before. In truth, had another man bought me a plane ticket a week earlier I would have been traveling to meet him instead. I would have felt obligated. I know now that one I met first was not at all right for me. I know I made a choice. I feel confident I did what was right for me. I am filled with anticipation. What lies ahead?
Will there be a man who knows how to keep me warm and safe and dry? Will he respect that I know how to do that for myself as well? Will he be charming or daring? Will there be a courtly, old-fashioned kind of romance? Will he challenge my shyness and dare me to love him? Will there be passion? Will I be bored in 5 minutes? There are those that wish me well. There are those who would enjoy seeing me passed over. I have have analyzed the many, many options after the the next step. I am forever thinking several plays ahead. I do not know what will ultimately happen. I do know the next step. I will summon all the courage I can find. I will present myself as completely as possible. I will let my guard down a little. I am walking with confidence, hope, and a sense of destiny toward a single moment. One moment can change everything, though I doubt it will be the moment I plan. I will walk towards this moment with all the strength and confidence I can find. Only God and time will reveal if I am walking in the right direction.
Will this one be right? Or will he help to clarify what is?
I pray for safety, wisdom, and sure footing.
Lately, I have been considering the many paths available to me. I have felt a spirit of waiting for about a year now. I have felt myself changing, maturing, growing, opening up to new ideas, and turning away from the childish things that once satisfied my needs. This changing may have something do do with the loss of my Dad to a stroke and my subsequent confrontation with mortality. It may be the complete role reversal in my relationship to my Mother. Perhaps the knowledge that my extended family is unlikely to accept my choices gay, straight, mono, poly, red, green, or purple. The approaching 3-0 of next year may play a part. I have seen lately how the choices I made in my youth and my early adulthood have paid off. I can see the value of sacrificing tonight's potential pleasure for tomorrow's certain ground. I have not always made the quickest decisions, the wisest, the safest, or even the most sane. At times, I thought rationally with a calm head. At times, the passions and fire of my youth battled my better angels. Yet, I still hold my head high. I escaped so many pitfalls that trapped my peers and killed their futures. I can walk unashamed, with my head up and my gaze level.
I was fast, but not to fast. Difficult, but not impossible. I ran with scissors as gracefully as would allow. I felt.....I really felt. I have fallen so completely in love that It felt like my life was over when things ended. I have been the one to walk away knowing that the breakup would hurt me in the now, but help me in the future. I have been left by a man I would have followed anywhere he asked, beckoned, pointed or ordered. I have soared with the eagles. I have tripped on the turkeys. I have been crushed, lifted up, shattered, embraced, forgotten, renewed, glorified, wounded and truly, deeply loved. I am at a crossroads, where the fiery passions of youth are meeting the temperance of wisdom. I will embrace both as long as I can.
I loudly refuse to grow up. I want to eat dessert first! I will laugh, and drink and be merry (for tomorrow we all may die!) Yet, I will still squirrel away my pennies in a 401(k). I will charge forward mightily, but take a heartbeat to glance both ways.
I am about to do something Large. Perhaps, it will be the turning point in my life. Perhaps, all the paths I will take in my lifetime from here on out will stem from this choice. Perhaps, this journey will close many doors for me and open up as an entirely new set of decisions. Perhaps this will end in an unrealized dream. Or perhaps, as one of those deep desires I begged and prayed intently for hours, days, and weeks, only to spend time on my knees thanking God Herself for not granting. The fullness of time changes everything. God's timing is not our own. When we see a day marked by occasion, custom, or celebration, God laughs and changes our lives in a seemingly mundane moment in the grocery store. Mortals do not schedule their own divine appointments. Could you imagine that? LOL. I'd rather let God handle my datebook. Her purpose for me is more than I can wrap a mortal brain around. More than a mortal will or could demand. I will leave my destiny to the Almighty. YHWH weaves the biggest tapestry.
If God sends the angels to protect, guide, and nudge us to the path of Light, there must be a counter force urging us to indulge our darker side. Some among us live their whole lives just drifting along. I nod to Socrates in that I agree "The unexamined life is not worth living". Lately my demons have come to close. I wanted to see them again. I wanted to look a few minutes down all the paths I did not choose. I wanted to remember all the pitfalls that my peers indulged in and became lost. The heartaches I avoided. The sins I broke from and emerged stronger, more balanced, or with a certain kind of seasoning. There were so many paths open to me in this life.
A woman's choice is a powerful thing. Women kill more with their whispers than men ever have with their weapons. Even where a woman is trained in obedience, her passions ignite the world. Yet, in my present equation, I am not the woman with most of the cards. Many perhaps, but not the most. Enter mercy, grace, and understanding.
I have been dreaming a little of the nights I spent club hopping and dancing until dawn, or dusk, or dawn again. I remembered the nights I tarried too long, slept to little and enjoyed every minute of a jingle jangle morning. I remember the men who asked me forever, the dreams I dashed, and the hearts I broke. I suppose I looked back with rosy glasses glasses. I had the occasion to go out last night and relive the adventures of pulsating, sleepy youth. I enjoyed the pulse, heartbeat, and life blood of the club. The thumpa-thumpa hasn't changed. I enjoyed the attention from well-meaning and ill-intending men. I feel confident that I still have "it". A man paid for and sent me a VIP bracelet via waitress. He claimed to be a prince...lol. Some bought me shots. Several made passes. I felt alive and wanted, but I am more confident than ever that I am ready for the next step. I want a forever family. I want a freeing love that binds me. I had fun with the Mr. Right Nows of this world and am ready to choose my Mr. Right.... LOL.... I am ready to choose my Mrs. Right as well.
In 9 days I leave the safety and comfort of my nest to travel to another family. I have a feeling of peace about this journey, so much more so than before. In truth, had another man bought me a plane ticket a week earlier I would have been traveling to meet him instead. I would have felt obligated. I know now that one I met first was not at all right for me. I know I made a choice. I feel confident I did what was right for me. I am filled with anticipation. What lies ahead?
Will there be a man who knows how to keep me warm and safe and dry? Will he respect that I know how to do that for myself as well? Will he be charming or daring? Will there be a courtly, old-fashioned kind of romance? Will he challenge my shyness and dare me to love him? Will there be passion? Will I be bored in 5 minutes? There are those that wish me well. There are those who would enjoy seeing me passed over. I have have analyzed the many, many options after the the next step. I am forever thinking several plays ahead. I do not know what will ultimately happen. I do know the next step. I will summon all the courage I can find. I will present myself as completely as possible. I will let my guard down a little. I am walking with confidence, hope, and a sense of destiny toward a single moment. One moment can change everything, though I doubt it will be the moment I plan. I will walk towards this moment with all the strength and confidence I can find. Only God and time will reveal if I am walking in the right direction.
Will this one be right? Or will he help to clarify what is?
I pray for safety, wisdom, and sure footing.
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